Monday, May 02, 2011

Paternal Quandry

I went to visit my parents today. It was the second time I've seen Dad since he got out of the hospital. It was the second time he didn't string two sentences together in my presence. The last time I saw him, Mom had to make him speak to me. She didn't even bother this time. He did tap me on the shoulder as he walked by me just before we left. It was the first time he felt like my Dad again since he came home. He has been more and more distant the older we both get. From what I've heard, his Dad was the same way. That's really weird because my grandfather has always been really warm towards all the grandkids. People are funny, I know, but still...

The distance between Dad and I has gotten to the point that I didn't even want to call him in the hospital. I found myself shamefully relieved to find him doped up on pain meds. I couldn't screw up the courage to call him again, much less go see him. His brother and elderly mother managed to get up there, but I didn't. I wish I were a better son. I wish he'd make it a litte easier to be one.

It terrifies me that I might turn out like him, closed off from the people that WANT to love him.

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"Loyalty to petrified opinion never broke a chain or freed a human soul..." -- Mark Twain

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Fire does not wait for the sun to be hot,

Nor the wind for the moon, to be cool.

-- the Zenrin Kushu